


86,400 moments of absolution

by triggeringthehealing (froggydarren)



Series: FullmoonFiclet Entries [4]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Mentioned Derek's almost death, Mentioned Kate Argent, Non-Graphic Violence, Post-Allison's Death, Post-Nogitsune Stiles Stilinski, Post-Nogitsune trauma, Post-Season 4, Pre-Slash, both relationships are in the past, mention of Stiles' nightmares, references to Derek/Braeden, references to Stiles/Malia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-21
Updated: 2015-03-21
Packaged: 2018-03-18 23:10:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3587559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/froggydarren/pseuds/triggeringthehealing
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The memories keep coming back, even years later. Sometimes, Stiles wonders is he'll ever feel free of them again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	86,400 moments of absolution

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Full Moon Ficlet challenge on Livejournal - prompt #112

The Nogitsune is long gone. Memories that Stiles has of what happened when it was still holding his body hostage remain intact and pop up at the most inopportune moments. Like the time when Kira's katana was needed to kill a Japanese -- they've all long given up on figuring out how the creatures get to California -- fire spouting _chicken_ of all things. Stiles was the one to do it, the others distracting the bird so he could drive the sword in for the final blow. He spent a week waking up from nightmare after nightmare, cold sweat covering his body and trembling from the effort to stop his screams.

He remembers Ally whenever he leaves the house and runs into anyone even remotely resembling her, even though he wasn't _there_ when she died. Snow makes him think of the dream garden, of the Oni, the slashes across his body as the group marched through their swords. Lydia is a reminder without any outside triggers, and Stiles startles at each of her screams, watches her out of the corner of his eye even in the quietest of moments.

His brain knows that he wasn't in charge, that he didn't inflict pain on others, but the feeling of responsibility doesn't go away. It hasn't when everyone told him that they've forgiven him -- when they all repeated that there was nothing to forgive -- and it hasn't when they treated him like he was the old Stiles, the one they grew up with.  But he's still the one who _allowed it_ , the one who wasn't strong enough to resist the spirit, to not allow it access to his body.

"Does it go away?" Stiles asks once in a while.

There's only one person he can ask, one of the pack who might understand.

"A little," Derek always replies, but his tone isn't convincing enough to settle Stiles' nerves.

It's something they've started doing over the phone since Stiles left for college. Before that, even, when Derek left Beacon Hills with Braeden to help her finish the search for the Desert Wolf. There was a moment, right before Stiles followed everyone else into La Iglesia, when he wondered if Derek would be the next casualty of what their life had become. It was enough of a scare that after, Stiles insisted on Derek checking in regularly, in return for a report on how things were at home.

That one wasn't on Stiles; he knew that Derek's loss of werewolf powers and then their return was on Kate, on the magic of the old church and whatever rituals that were performed, but the echo of the fear Stiles felt was enough. He was far from admitting how he felt about Derek then, both of them still in other relationships, and even later on, Stiles wasn't going to shake the precious happiness that Derek seemed to have found.

"You know what you feel that you've done wrong," Derek would say. "And you pay it back, in a way that doesn't benefit you back."

Stiles knows how Derek's penance worked. He knows that Derek wanted to settle down, to come back home and accept his place in Scott's pack, to maybe rebuild the old Hale house and be the land's guardian. Instead, he'd been on the road, looking to tie up loose threads that had to do with Peter, with Malia, with the Hale family and whatever other secrets Talia had hidden in the past. Derek paid back for his mistakes by putting everyone else in the pack first -- handing Scott the old Hale territory, helping Stiles' Dad even remotely with any supernatural cases that popped up in the county, keeping track of Peter even when he was locked up safely in Eichen House, working with Noshiko and Satomi on maintaining peace between what became the McCall pack and any other packs in California.

There is still guilt -- Stiles has seen enough of it himself -- whenever Cora gets in touch, or when Derek visits the site of the house, or when small things remind him of his family. But Derek's guilt was always clearly outlined: he'd been young and foolish, inexperienced, thrown into Alpha status with no warning or preparation.

Stiles' wrongdoings aren't defined as easily. He knows that dragging Scott into the woods and leaving him alone was his fault, but Peter being feral and biting Scott wasn't. He knows that being weak and letting the Nogitsune take over was his fault, but the deaths that it resulted in, or the injuries that the spirit caused, weren't under Stiles' control. Stiles does everything to avoid being in a similar situation again -- he learned to ward off things that had the potential to harm the pack, studied with Deaton to learn to control his spark so he'd be of more use than before.

But still, when Derek comes back and finally settles in Beacon Hills, and when Stiles decides to not leave for college despite the pack's and his father's insistence, there is one more thing.

"I can't," Stiles says quietly. "Not yet."

Derek nods, even though Stiles can see the disappointment in his eyes. It's the first time either of them acknowledged that there's something between them, a bond that's beyond what they have with anyone else in the pack. Stiles knows that the pack is aware of how they dance around each other, how they carefully avoid words that would push them from friends to more. But now that Derek asked, muttered a quiet "will you go out with me?" Stiles knows he can't.

His penance isn't paid yet, and Derek deserves more than what Stiles can give him.


End file.
